“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” Matthew 6:14-15

Forgiveness can be a hard thing to offer when we feel that an injustice or offense has been committed. Yet not only does God command us to, He says that if we fail to forgive, He will not forgive us. This is a terrifying statement.

The one thing that stands in the way of forgiveness every time is pride. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness requires us to lay aside our selves, our positions, our rights, our causes, and even our pains. This cannot be done in man’s strength alone, for man’s natural instinct is to defend himself. Yet through the power of the cross, the love of God can be manifest in us, even towards those who we believe to be wrong.

“Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”" Luke 17:3-4

• Offering/Requesting forgiveness does not mean you were wrong and the other person was right.
• Offering/Requesting forgiveness does not mean your hurts or views are not valid.
• Offering/Requesting forgiveness does not mean you have compromised on the truth.

Offering/Requesting forgiveness means that you have decided to obey the Father by taking up your cross and following Jesus so that Christ may live through you….even at the expense of yourself.

“Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made.

The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. “But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt.

So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’

And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”" Matthew 18:21-35

Unforgiveness is not just about what it offers to the other person. Forgiving is for our OWN benefit too, so that hatred, anger, malice, pride, or hurt does not rage down in our own souls.

Festering anger and unforgiveness is a tormentor! It is like walking around with a gaping, seeping, wound that is extremely sensitive to the slightest touch. It robs you of peace in God and shuts you up within yourself away from others.

BUT, there is a balm in Gilead! If you could but pray to be given the strength, God will intervene. He will remove the heavy weights which crush your soul and spirit. He will apply the balm of forgiveness so that you may be made whole and can release those who have caused offense. He will restore you in His love.

We are called to stand for that which is true. We are also called to forgive those who offend us. By the grace of God and through His love and mercy alone, we are equipped to do each of those things to the glory of God.

Every now and then when we have a hot topic on our main blog we’ll bring it here to Essence.com. This piece, written by BMWK contributor Harriet Hairston received a lot of comments on our site. Check it out.

Please allow me to caveat this article with the following disclaimer: this is not an attack on churches. It is a real discussion about how some individuals VIEW church, and thus cause what God created as beautiful to turn into a monstrosity. I love the Lord and His people. This article is not designed to discourage anyone from attending and serving in church.

That said:

Sometimes I wonder if church is all it’s cracked up to be. Don’t get me wrong: I was raised in the church. Both my husband and I are in love with Jesus Christ, and our marriage is centered around Him. Yet there was a skewed balance for a time that almost tore our marriage apart. The “church” was the other woman that disrupted my time with my husband. It was the sugar daddy that fed into my need for attention and affection. We were both heavily involved in ministry, from music to teaching; small groups to street ministry…we did it all.

But home was a mess! We could barely stand one another’s company because of the twisted mindset we had towards ministry:

• We felt like above our tithe, most of our money was supposed to go to the needs of the church.
• If we had a date or family time planned out, and a last minute, poorly planned church project came up, we would drop everything to attend so as to be thought of as “faithful.”
• We were more devoted to our relationships with our pastors and leaders than we were to growth in our relationship with one another.

And like sands through the hourglass, these were the days of our lives. It all sounds so sick and twisted. How could such a pure and holy thing be so misconstrued and maligned? I can tell you first hand that it has nothing to do with the four walls of a building, or the teaching and preaching of pastors across the nation. It has everything to do with the mindsets within each person choosing to attend church.

We were associate leaders in the church, but this kind of skewed thinking goes from the pulpit to the back pew. It’s all over the news these days: traveling MARRIED musicians getting their choir members pregnant, money laundering, abusive husbands and wives, pimping and pedophilia…you name it, it has been done by leaders who are supposed to be reflecting the love of Christ!

There is a real heaviness that comes over me when I hear about marriages in the church falling apart at such an alarming rate. Whether they are prominent couples in the spotlight or normal couples in the pew, there is an epidemic of divorce within the church-especially the black church. Addiction to the praises of other men, fame, money, prestige, position can truly wreak havoc on a marital relationship.

I can’t begin to pinpoint the root of the problem, but I’m sure that disorder about priorities plays a large role in Christian marital failure. Before God created Adam, He created a purpose for Adam. Then He created Eve to SHARE in that purpose. Otherwise, there would have been no need for a woman to ever enter the picture.

To keep this from turning into a Bible study, let me translate that statement. For those married couples that attend church, the order God created was to love:

1. GOD;
2. SPOUSE;
3. FAMILY, THEN
4. CHURCH.

In fact, marriage was the first institution created by God, long before churches and building projects ever existed!

Yet it remains that there are churches and denominations out there who will say it is OK for a minister to leave his or her spouse for the work of the Lord. How backwards is that? What sense does it make to love the work of God more than the God of the work?

This is for those of you who serve in church, who are leaders of ministry, who go to church every Sunday, or even C.M.E. (Christmas, Mother’s Day and Easter) members. Please let the record show that MARRIAGE comes before MINISTRY. Even deeper than that, marriage IS ministry! There is no joy to be had in being a public success but private failure. There is a way to balance it all in God’s will, but like anything else, it takes work and commitment.

So, BMWK, how many of you actually go to church and noticed such a vicious pattern? For those of you who do not, have these patterns prevented you from going? What can we do to line our priorities back up in God’s original will?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Read more from Harriet Hairston on http://www.BlackandMarriedWithKids.com